|Updated Tech Support Pricing Structure|
Calling or IMing me with a question $10
Not "Googleing" it first $100
Calling or IMing me with a stupid question $20
Calling or IMing me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate $30
Implying I'm incompetant because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description $1000+punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk $10.00
Questions where answer is in TFM $10.00 +
Questions during BF2 session $20.00
Calling or IMing me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once $100
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem $5/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem $50/mile+gas
If you interrupt me while I was reading news $25/hr
If you interrupt me while I was trying to count all the xroaches on my screen $35/hr
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem $45/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now $50/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it $60/hr
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on $70/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday $75/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix $85/hr
If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work $95/hr
If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you $150/hr
Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone $1500.00
Calling up or IMing with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. $1700.00
Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home $500.00
Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do $150.00
Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do $300.00
Not telling all of your co-workers about it $850.00
Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive $50.00
BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive $250.00
Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad $25.00
Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees $35.00
Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers $50.00
Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge $35.00
Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button $250.00
Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on $200.00
Fixing the "hung" systemby plugging the ethernet transciver back in $375.00
Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation $400
Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in $50
Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there $10
Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server $500
Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger $25
Changing memory partitions without informing me first $50
Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first $100
Technical support for the above programs $150/hr
Spilling coke on keyboard $25 plus cost of keyboard
Spilling coke on monitor $50 plus cost of monitor
Spilling coke on CPU $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
Leaving files on desktop $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed
Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :)
Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine $200
Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus $25
Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets $50
Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me; to do!" $40
Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." $35 (including discount for polite apology)
Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software $25
Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests $45
Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line $55
Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points $15
If I wrote the sign $45
If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door $75
Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem $25.00
Reporting it more than once $50.00
Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem $200.00
Texting me when I'm out with the significant other $50
Texting me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left $100
Texting me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button $200
Texting me more than once while I'm asleep $50 per text
Texting me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem $500
Dealing with user body odor $75.00/hour
Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site $50.00/hour
Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help $100.00/hour
Dealing with computer hobbiests $125.00/hour
Questioning these prices ........... $50 per question.
Customer Service IS the New Marketing
Darin R. McClure
darin at rtgit.com
darin.r.mcclure at gmail.com
(949) 370-3069 My iPhone
Do You Follow Me?
Hope I receive it back from you. Read through the comments below about your friend and then make sure you read the instructions at the bottom. Have fun!
1. What time is it - now
2. What's your full name - Darin R. McClure
3. What are you most afraid of - the freeway
4. What is the most recent movie that you have seen - “Knocked Up” laughed thru it
5. Place of birth - Pasadena Ca USofA
6. Favorite food is - sushi and strawberry shortcake (together, same bowl)
7. What's your natural hair color - Brown
8. Ever been to Alaska - NO
9. Ever been toilet paper rolling - No
10. Love someone so much it made you cry - Yes
11. Been in a car accident - Yes more than one, and one was not in the car.
12. Croutons or bacon bits - YES!
13. Favorite day of the week - Ella day
14. Favorite restaurant - Iva Lea’s
15. Favorite Flower - Cattleya
16. Favorite sport to watch - Bullfights on Acid
17. Favorite drink - Cottons
18. Favorite ice cream - vanilla with chocolate covering it…
19. Disney or Warner Brothers - Walt.
20. Ever been on a ship - The Love BOAT!
21. What color is your bedroom carpet - beige (will stick with Lisa on this one, but it looks brown to me.)
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test - LOL! I took it once.
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail - JOOST.com
24. What do you do when you are bored - Close my eyes and go to bed.
25. Bedtime - 9ish
26. Who will respond to this email the quickest - WHAT I HAVE TO SEND THIS SOMEPLACE HA!
27. Who is the person you sent this to that least likely will respond - I AM NOT SENDING THIS, BLOGGING YES SENDING NO.
28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses - Paul Carter.
29. Favorite TV show - Good Eats with Alton Brown W00T W00T!!!!!
30. Last person you went to dinner with . - The Grovers
31. What are you doing right now besides being on the computer? - ROFLOL!
32. What are your favorite colors ? - Red and Sunset.
33. How many tattoos do you have ? - I have a gecko tattooed to my esophagus
34. How many pets do you have ? - 1 cat, 1 dog, 2 fish, total = 4 (same 4 as Lisa)
35. Which came first, the chicken or the The egg ? - Dinosaurs came first, they had eggs right?
36. What do you want to do before you die ? - Die NOW I HAVE TO DIE!?
37. Have you ever been to Hawaii - Yes, warm water good. Jr high, no beat haole.
38. Have you been to countries outside the U.S. - Yes, 4.
39. How many people are you sending this to? - HA!
40. Time this survey ended - 10pm
Now, here's what you're supposed to do... Please do not spoil the fun. Hit forward, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you